gullpian

coming home, failing a day, falling onto the floor, rachel sat in the stairs and said to me, i talked with a girl who said you were one of the nicest persons she'd met in your year. it had come from an unexpected person and i feel grateful to hear such a thing today. i like both rachels i know. the other one says she misses her balance inspiration when i'm not there.
i miss my balance too.

i just did the silliest thing. i got on the bus towards school, got off, crossed the road, got on the same bus in opposite direction and headed home again. how do i get so easily depressed. i blame it on my broken thermos, and the leaking lunch box, because i had coffe and milk, and tuna brine all over.
it's not really my body that bothers me anymore, although i feel slightly disgusted in an unobrusive way. but i tend to ignore that to achieve something now. i'm afraid my brain's gone into a habit of thinking "disappear" and all it does is to make me feel worse.

while waiting for decisions, i was sitting in a toilet booth in school reading, apparently so still that the lights turned off. i felt very lonely and belittled. not even an empty space notices me. but when i got out of it, eva came out of class, and although i've never really talked to her much, she seemed caring. why don't i.

this morning went okay though, resourcing performance was site specific and some people said that seems nice smiling when i was lying in their way on the ground. a guy whom i got eye contact with, looked back several times, lifted his eye brow as saying i was psycho and said you're staring at me quite amused.
ballet was (?). the teacher asked us to rate ourselves after the barre. i couldn't put lower than a seven, an eight. i did my best - not saying it was good. enough. but for today. the rest of the class was quite rubbish (especially the pirouettes) except the adagio which i did well in my opinion. thinking lines and periphery, that all is from my center. i fucked up all traveling bits, and even the easiest jumps. but if she was looking at me - my beats - while jumping, i might have seen a tiny nod from her.

now i've made my bed as my mum would've, poured bedtime tea into a huge teacup and let the sun dazzle my eyes. i think i want to fall asleep now.